my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
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5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
.
.
.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems