Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*