When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
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BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan