You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
You Might Also Like
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?