The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
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‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.