The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.