Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.