I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
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I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.