My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
bears
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit