i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Netflix and scream at our children?!
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.