New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
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I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
That took me a moment.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.