Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
this came to me in a vision
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.