5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
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Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Holy shit he’s back