“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
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Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Carpe DM
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*