Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
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[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
PARKOUR
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”