Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
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Encore…
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
two people or more is called a problem
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
waiting for halloween be like:
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.