You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
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Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*