Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
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You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.