“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I have obtained a hat
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window