Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Matt Goss
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today