German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Dance like you’re not the father
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now