This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
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GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
God, I love Scotland
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.