My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
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The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.