Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Noted.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.