I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
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I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
how to exercise your calf muscles
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up