[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Muppet Screams
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.