Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
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Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.