Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning