Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion