“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
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I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Unexpected Judgment
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Good dog. ❤️
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.