If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.