one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
You Might Also Like
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader