I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
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20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes