Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi