I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind