interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”