The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.