[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
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Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
When he asks for feet pics
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.