Anyone want a chair?
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interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
security at the airport getting more straightforward
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.