sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?