No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
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Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an