I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
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Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of