therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
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Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Meowchelangelo
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
#parenting
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.