an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Y’all know who you are.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.