[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*