I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
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Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.