I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter