My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what