If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.