Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
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I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
You wish you had this many chins.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.